Making America Drunk Again

Well, I’m back.

Mischief managed. Internet detox complete.

And now, in conjunction with the nice man from Scotland I traveled with on the plane, here is your official End of the World Inauguration Drinking Game.

SENSUALITY AND POETRY
Trump inauguration organizer Tom Barrack has said rather than give tickets and performance slots to all the A-list celebrities who were desperate to take part in the Greatest Inauguration Of All Time, Believe Me, Trump preferred instead to focus on “the people” and upon delivering an awesome, magnificent, majestic event of “soft sensuality” with a “much more poetic cadence”. So. Every time you feel yourself swooning at the soft sensuality of sex pest and predator Donald Trump, please, please, please take a drink. And if you see anything approaching poetic cadence in his speech, reach for the hemlock. You know it makes sense.

TAKING THE OATH
In 2009, this happened.

This Friday, look deep into the same Chief Justice’s lizard eyes. If you see fear, revulsion, or terror, drink deep. If he fucks up again, take a drink for every mangled word. And if he smiles happily and plays his part word perfectly, it’s probably best to think about leaving the country.

BREAKING THE OATH
The Presidential oath (or affirmation) reads as follows: “I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

Take a drink every time Trump indicates in his inauguration speech that he plans to breaks that oath. By, say, discriminating on the grounds of religion. Or attacking freedom of speech. Or not divesting himself of his probably* considerable business concerns. Or revoking the citizenship of Americans who burn the flag**.

IN OTHER NEWS
Quaff every time Trump:

–Talks about “unity”.
–Talks about “making deals”
–Says he will make America “great again”.
–Lies about saving jobs.
–Promises to be a president for all Americans.
–Boasts about his victory or the size of his micropenis.
–Forgets he has a daughter called Tiffany.
–Uses any kind of ad hominem attack.
–Mocks the disabled.
–Grabs some piece of passing pussy which was obviously asking for it.

And for extra credit:

–Watch the new Vice President closely. If you see him looking for precisely the right spot in his President’s back to stick his hidden knife, nod wisely and tell everyone you can see it coming.
–Whenever anyone mentions “fake news”, the FBI, or Putin, drink long and deep.
–Every time the massed collection of deplorables and stupids chant “Build That Wall”, open another bottle. It’s going to be a very long four years.
–Ditto “Lock Her Up”.
–If anybody mentions the popular vote, faint with your personal choice of either shock or surprise.
–If protesters gatecrash the proceedings, cheer and donate towards their legal fees.
–Check out how tiny Trump’s hand is when he raises it to give the oath.
–Check out the size of the bible he uses. Has it been specially chosen to make his hands look almost human-sized?

THE ALTERNATIVE DRINKING GAME
Start now. Drink yourself stupid and black out for the next four years.

 

*We haven’t been allowed to see the mythomaniac’s tax returns, so how can we know?

**Numbers are projected to rise sharply.

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