Who the fuck is Stephen Kozeniewski?

Stephen Kozeniewski has written some books. He also quotes Anchorman at length and contributed to Brave New Girls. And today he is mostly pitching a future dystopia called Billy and the Cloneasaurus which seems to have more in common with Logan’s Run than Jurassic Anything.

Who the fuck are you? I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important. I have many leatherbound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

I have nothing to declare but my genius and …? Billy and the Cloneasaurus is my bum kid. You know how everybody who has a few kids, there’s always, like, one fuck-up? Like, “I’d like you to meet my son, Francis, who’s the pontiff now, and here’s my daughter Jenny who’s between opportunities and not really interested in giving me grandchildren.” Billy is my Jenny. I put it out there because it was supposed to be this scrapper, this short, tight, knockout novel that was going to rock the world. And instead it hasn’t even gotten on a bestseller list. So now I’m like, “Have you met my novel who is being adapted in a cartoon show and here’s my other one that’s not really interested in giving me any sales. Insolent douche.”

Why the fuck should we care? Because Billy is good, motherfuckers! What do you want me to say? That’s a tight fucking novel, right there. You read it, and it changes you. It’s like, if there was some kind of machine that changed baby’s diapers that was widely available in the consumer market, I’d make a pun about how it was like that, because it changes you, in the metaphysical sense.

What the fuck do you care about? Oh, shit, um, just one thing? Uh…capital punishment. I think it’s perfectly outlandish that we’re the only industrialized nation in the world that still employs Bronze Age corrections techniques. Yes, surely the best way to prove that murder is wrong is by institutionalizing the murder of people. That’ll learn ‘em.

You are about to be castaway with the author or fictional character of your choice. You’re going to be alone with them for a full year. Who would you choose? And why? Merrrrrr…this is tricky. I’m not sure the intent behind this question. On the one hand, you’d want to pick someone you’re attracted to because presumably you’d end up in a relationship at some point. On the other hand it sort of feels like this is a “desert island” question which usually implies the “best,” like the best conversationalist or the person who’s going to keep you sane the most. Maybe I’ll split the difference and say…Gillian Flynn?

If Billy and the Cloneasaurus was a song, a person, or a place, what/who would it be? And why? It would be…um…like…maybe a small town in Minnesota. Or, whatever the equivalent of small-town Minnesota is in England, more accurately. Because that’s the closest thing I can imagine in the real world to the Billyverse.

I have seen the future of horror and its name is … S.G. Lee.

What is next for you? I plan to jerk off and smoke a fat blunt. I’m not sure if that’s what this question was asking, but there you go.

Your three closest friends on the internet. Fuck, marry, kill. Go! Well, this is awkward…

Have you come to terms with your own mortality? Not only have I come to terms with it, I’m actively trying to hasten it with alcohol and poor lifestyle choices.

Tell us a secret. I once split my pants at work. True story. I sort of crab-walked with my back to the wall all the way to the car, then to the PX, bought a new pair of (horrible!) pants and went back to work as though nothing had happened. I now keep a spare set in my desk at all times.

Say something outrageous. “Firefly” is just a terrible, terrible show and bacon is overrated. The only reason you think bacon is cool is because that’s what the pork belly producers want you to think, prole. And the only reason you love “Firefly” is because you’re a hipster douche.


More Stephen Kozeniewski

Stephen Kozeniewski (pronounced “causin’ ooze key”) lives with his wife and two cats in Pennsylvania, the birthplace of the modern zombie. During his time as a Field Artillery officer, he served for three years in Oklahoma and one in Iraq, where due to what he assumes was a clerical error, he was awarded the Bronze Star. He is also a classically trained linguist, which sounds much more impressive than saying his bachelor’s degree is in German.

Billy and the Cloneasaurus – http://www.amzn.com/B00L7RXG6U/

 

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