By Evangeline Jennings
If you’re familiar with me, odds are you know me best as a gobby mare and wannabe writer who doesn’t give a fuck — in public. But I’m also something of an aficionado of classic beauty, which is why I was so happy to see a feature in Maxim in which Chris Frantz — who oldies among you might remember as the one who hit things a long time ago in a galaxy faraway in David Byrne’s band — selected fifteen women whose classic beauty frequently gives him a semi.
Now, for many years I’ve been lusting and drooling after drummers I’ll never be able to fuck. So I decided to curate my own list of my favorite fuckable drummers for Maxim’s ‘readers’ to wank over next time their ‘lifestyle’ leaves them without an actual girlfriend or wife.
I’m still waiting to hear back from Maxim — I’m sure it’s only a matter of time — but I thought you might appreciate an advance glimpse at my list. Just don’t go telling Maxim because I really need them to publish it so I know I’m relevant and not some old has-been desperately clinging on in the hope that my genius ex-friend will relent and get the band back together again. Right?
The drummers? I’m sure they won’t mind being reduced to pieces of meat for you to chew up and spit out because, after all, the moment they get up there all brazen like and sit behind the rest of the band, behind an array of drums, and start hitting things in public then they’re basically asking to be rated on a scale of one to eleven by every sad perv in the land — I’m sorry, I mean every aficionado of classic beauty. And why should any other drummers mind? They’re all the same, really. Gagging for validation.
One — Because I am a firm believer in not setting up drummers up to compete against each other, this list is in alphabetic order. Ish. But don’t think that doesn’t mean I haven’t got a favourite.
Two — Gender is an artificial barrier built up by The Man. Or Woman. You might think a penis and testicles would be obstacles to classically beautiful drumming, but no. That’s why Led Zeppelin inflicted ‘Moby Dick’ on the world, to prove that men deserved a place on the drum stool. I imagine John Bonham went through a whole lotta talcum and protective equipment.
Three — Obviously where I say these drummers are “fuckable” or that I want to “fuck them”, those are both euphemisms. What I actually mean is I am a deep admirer of their musical prowess, talent, charm, and overall contribution to my life. Mostly.
Bill Ward – Black Sabbaff
He hit hard.
Budgie – Big in Japan/Slits/Siouxsie and the Banshees/Creatures
Great drummer. Got to sleep with Siouxsie for many, many years.
Janet Weiss – Sleater Kinney and Quasi
Look at the toms on that.
John Bonham – Led Zeppelin
John Maher – Buzzcocks/Invisible Girls
Once upon a time, she was everywhere. Made a critical contribution to one of my many very favourite songs
Lieselotte Hafner – Kleenex/Liliput
Because punk’s not dead.
Meg White – White Stripes
Because I fell in love with a girl.
Neko Case – Maow/Cub
A bit of a cheat, mostly. But any excuse. And she really did drum. And Cub were really great.
Rose Melberg – Gaze
OK, so this is another cheat. But hello? The Softies? Tiger Trap? Go Sailor? Her solo work? And yes, she really did drum in Gaze.
Samantha Maloney – Hole/Peaches/Mötley Crüe
This one time at band camp, I mean Glastonbury, she was really nice to me. And she played in one of my favourite bands.
This One Girl.
I think her name is Kate or Kat. This video shows her singing and guitaring while her mother (strangely anonymous here) hits things behind her.
This one shows her embellishing the shit out of Teenage Kicks at the Cavern.
And this one shows why she makes this list. I always thought the three girls should have put out an ad for a guitarist and started a band of their own.
Tobi Vail – Bikini Kill
Writer. Rebel Grrl. Inspiration.
Watts – Some Kind of Wonderful
No need for words.
Echo – And The Bunnymen
Even fewer words. Just set it to spin cycle and perch on one of the corners.