Lesbian abortion cookies

By Evangeline Jennings

After a couple of weeks spent mostly away from your internets, these last few days I have been staring in renewed bewilderment at the level of slack-jawed stupidity in the world today, most especially these United States.

First among equals, possibly, is this dickhead who thinks that letting your daughter join the Girl Scouts means you want her to be a lesbian, and that that goes double if you send her to public school. He first made this argument in 2013 and he’s been at it again. Coincidentally, he has also claimed that Disney’s Frozen is Satan’s way of turning your daughter into a lesbian.

My Spidey-senses tingling, I did the minimum research possible and discovered that this intellectual giant – who is definitely not indecently obsessed with the sexuality of young girls – is a huge proponent of “Christian homeschooling” and that – surprise, surprise – he has a whole bevy of daughters at home.

Who can beat that for stupidity? Well, for a start, any of the drooling morons that listen to his show. And then there’s the Republican Presidential-wannabe who – I think – is arguing that prison is the Devil’s way of turning girl scouts gay and thus promoting the closely related crimes of bestiality and paedophilia which are – in his mind – the natural outcome of allowing The Gays to marry. And also abortion, probably.

Oh, and there was this. Fox News worries that Google might start ranking sites based on honesty.

But I think my favorite stupid thing this week is the time wasted by scientists designing music for cats and the bandwidth abused by the media reporting on this shit. The only way Music For Cats is getting into my house is if a God-fearing Lesbian Abortion Hater can categorically prove it contains backmasked messages direct from Satan himself designed to turn all the little kittens gay. I give them about a week.

Thankfully, there are people here in America who are not as stupid as all these utter knobs would make you think. Among them Emily and Etta, the characters in our weekly web-based serial The Vegas Thing. And, as luck would have it, there’s a new episode out today. Enjoy.

PS — If you’re still reading, and you are seriously worried about the Super-Secret-Girl-Scout-Public-School-Frozen-Fear-Fest-Lesbian-Conspiracy-Agenda, then I think I can put your mind at rest. Pausing only to remind my English friend and family that an American public school is the same as a British state school, let me point out that I was never a Girl Scout or even a Guide, that I went to a series of all-girl private schools, and that I have never, ever touched myself while watching Frozen or any other animated Disney movie. I hope that puts your fragile little minds at rest.

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